Lollapaloser

Noon on Saturday finds me being patted down by a woman in uniform. I've got my carnet upside down in my mouth. My right wrist is cuffed by a particuarly uncomfortable plastic band.

Was I finally deported, you might ask? Particularly strange swinger's club reunion?

Nah, nothing so exciting. I'm standing to the entrance of Lollapalooza 2011, the first international Lollapalooza since its inicio in Chicago 20 years ago. The concert is just one of many recent U.S. imports to Chile, a groupie to the smashing success of peanut butter, chart-topping maple syrup, and Rolling Stone cover-worthy visit of Barack Obama.

Since the New York Times named Santiago the #1 destination of the year, Chile has become, like, TOTALLY cool. Chile's daddy made a lot of money in copper mining, you see, and she's become the popular American girls' new "project". With gringa influence, Chile's got a new weave, bitchin' Ugs, and a ticket out of Third Worldom. I also heard that Chile gets high on capitalism behind the gym.

And apparently Chile's got a new taste in music. Lollapalooza - which could have easily been Gringapalooza, seeing as a good third of the concert attenders were foreign - was chock full of U.S. (almost) unknowns like Ben Harper and The National, as well as some good throwbacks (anyone remember Cypress Hill?). Chile's such a poser, I bet she couldn't even sing the chorus to Gold Digger.

Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger (and neither is Kanye), but the strange cocktail of band choices for this year's event certainly perplexed me as a foreigner; indeed Chile was looking to score some serious luka off the concert. Relatively few bands were Chilean, though the ones that attended were surprisingly fantastic: from the first cymbal crash of Los Bunkers to the solid sounds of Chico Trujillo, Chile certainly did some serious representing.

Concert planners were also smart to invite some seriously terrible 80's artists (Does anyone remember James? Let me give you a hint:)

Yeah, Chile pulled a double-throwback by inviting an 80's band whose one hit wonder appeared in a 90's blockbuster film; and, if Chileans love anything, it is famously bad 80's music. James' performance certainly could go down as being famously bad - the guy was off key for ninety percent of the set - so terribly so that when he announced that the next song was written about the band's desire "to be struck by lightning," I silently prayed it would come true. Sadly, Chile's weather is fantastic, with not a cloud in the sky. The Chileans seemed completely unphased by the band's suck factor, and did happy Snoopy dances all over the concrete patio and up onto the stage.

Concert planners were also wise to Chile's mad desire for Mary Jane, which brings me to throwback number two: Cypress Hill. I have to admit it was "high"ly amusing to watch the Spanish-speakers try to figure out the chorus to "Insane in the Membrane." Additionally, the contact high was so strong I didn't even need to take "Hits From the Bong."

The third smart move was the overwhelming number of rock and screamo music (for more information, see my previous post on Chilean male headbangers). The Deftones seriously rocked, as did their background show (images of a kaleidoscope blended with images of a woman on top). Jane's Addiction culminated Lolapalooza's winning formula of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll with the addition of two women hanging on hooks shoved into their skin fifty feet in the air in front of the rockers.

I didn't stay to watch.

The crowdpleasing bands for the Chileans definitely would be considered "losers" by American music trends, but I wasn't to fear - for us gringos in the audience, Ben Harper and The National saved the day (too bad the Yeah Yeah Yeahs copped out).

I kind of embarassingly admit that I'd never listened to Ben Harper previous to his Saturday performance, even more so now that I realize how f-ing awesome he is. For those of you as clueless as I was, if Leonard Skynard, Aretha Franklin and a snake charmer had a love child, it would be Ben Harper. He offers something for everyone - he adds soul to classic rock, rhythm to blues, and melody to Middle-Eastern music.

Unfortunately, the planners were stupid enough to plan Ben Harper and The National back to back, so as much as I was loving Ben's set, I had to peace out early to get a good spot for The National's kickoff.

Cue one hour and fifteen minutes of heaven. The set list was smash hit after smash hit of indie goodness. Like any good badass hipster indie rocker, Matt Berninger washed his lyrics out with a hearty glass of Chilean wine. "I'd like to thank Hans for the wine and the chocolates," he crooned mid-set in his famously sexy baritone half-whisper. After a particularly hairy arrival to the climax of "Ohio," he joked about late onset puberty. The crowd loved it. Well, as much as a non-English speaking crowd would love someone talking about puberty in English.

So, as much as I'm not overly keen to the kitschy American flavor Chile has so recently become hip to, in this case I think the American overtones in Lollapalooza saved the day to what could have been one disaster of a concert.

I also like having maple syrup again.