It's that time of year again - time to breathe in deeply, suck in my stomach, and fake tan my way into looking a few pounds thinner. Time to face the fact that the medium sized bikini I ordered from Target isn't going to fit my non-medium-sized badonkadonk. Time to haul ass to get rid of all that junk inside my trunk.
You'd think I would have had plenty of time to prepare for Santiago swimsuit season, between studying for the GRE and working two jobs. You'd think I would have had the self-control to limit myself to only ONE raspberry truffle cake pop a day. But let's face it: I'm an americana gordita.
Looking around at who's hitting the sand, at least I can say I'm in good company: Santiago's blubber layer (my new cute euphemism for "obesity rate") has thickened to 26.6% of the population. So what to do when you're a beached whale?
While my previous answer would have been to buy a more flattering bathing suit, the brown vintage-style tankini I chose apparently didn't cut it with my Peruvian bonbon, who recently sent me an email comparing side by side a photo of me in the bathing suit and a photo taken in the 1940s of a woman sunbathing in similar trunks. I got the picture that I was playing it too conservative.
Seeing as the forest fires in central Chile have limited the extent to which I can go running lately without developing the black lung (or, more seriously, the Hanta Virus), I've turned to Google and Groupon in the desperate hope that maybe I can fake my way into looking and feeling slightly thinner aside the sea. I am now here to share with you the tricks and tips I've learned to lock down a Brazilian booty this summer without breaking the bank OR a sweat:
Crunch Time
Remember 8 Minute Abs? If you've never seen the video, do yourself a favor and illegally pirate it from YouTube. Research shows that just a few minutes of exercise before an event can help you shed a few inches for a few hours. Other quick temporary fixes? Drink tons of water, eliminate salt, carbs, and foods that contain or make you gassy for two days prior to your hitting the beach.
Fake it Till Ya Make It
Just as wearing black makes you appear slimmer, a good fake tan can help you fake sculpt you into an Adonis look alike.
If your level of pasty white, like mine, approaches being Geisha colored, I'm sure you have more than a few horror stories to tell about fake tanning products and weeks spent looking like a glass of Tang. However, a new product I tried last week from Lush (Mall Parque Arauco), at approx. US $16.00 /
heart shaped bar, gave me one of the most natural looking tans I've ever had. Just be careful to pick up the "clara" version if you have light skin!
Tips on fake tanning and on sculpting your body with fake tanning products can be found here at Marie Claire.
Stand Tall
Who knew that when Grandma told you not to slouch that she was secretly letting you in on one of life's most sexpot important lessons? Proper posture can shave inches off your midsection and arms, no exercise needed. There are even photo friendly positions that you can try out the next time your friend waves his camera in your face at the beach.
Let Me See That Sarong
Every woman has a part of them that they feel extra obsessively bad about. For me, it's my thighs. Luckily I found a sweet looking sarong (pareo) at Casa e Ideas (they can also be found at the artesanal shops near Santa Isabel, the ones near Plaza de Armas, or, you know, ANYWHERE in downtown Santiago for about $10 or less). Tips for tying them can be found here in broken English.
Hit the Massage Parlor
Groupon keeps guaranteeing me that for anywhere between US $30.00 - US $120.00, I can lose centimeters (up to 3, usually) from my waist in minutes. All I have to do? Lie on my back and let some masseuse oil me up. I have friends who have done this and swear by it, though quite frankly, I think the results were mostly in their head. I've been trying to Google research on how well massage therapy helps you lose weight, though I have found nothing convincingly conclusive, although some research suggests that acupuncture might help with weight loss by increasing your metabolism rate.
Any other tips or tricks you have to add? Leave them in the comment box!
